Philippa's Tail - Fish Shop

INT. FISH SHOP – DAY

TERRY is talking to a SHOPKEEPER, who eyes him oddly.

Shopkeeper

Freshwater or saltwater?

Terry

Fresh. 

Shopkeeper

Right.  I've got a cherry barb, a checker barb, a clipper barb, a clown barb; a gold barb a gold-en barb - which is NOT THE SAME THING – a melon barb, a rosy barb, a spanner barb and a swamp barb.  I can get you in a tiger barb but we don't stock tinfoil barbs 'cause they're a bunch of bastards. (BEAT) That's if you want a barb.

Terry

Actually, I had something else in mind...?

Shopkeeper

Oh, yeah? Well we got lots of fish, for the connoisseur. Just of your cyprinids now, we've got...: -

Terry

What I was actually after was...

Terry rummages in his pockets, takes out a wallet, and opens the wallet to produce the dead Philippa.

Terry

...something a bit like this... If you had it...

The shopkeeper eyes him questioningly. He takes the proffered fish corpse and proceeds to examine it, turning it over with an expert eye, testing it for texture, holding it to the light, giving it a professional sniff.

Shopkeeper

Come with me please.

The shopkeeper takes Terry to the back room of the shop.

Terry

So... do you think you might have anything along those lines...?

Shopkeeper

Neolamprologus brichardi, the lyretail or fairy cichlid.  Don't mind my asking: how did this fish die?

Terry

I'm sorry...?

Shopkeeper

Nothing. It's just: it looks like this fish has been chewed.

Terry

What?

Shopkeeper

This Neolamprologus brichardi shows unmistakable signs of chewing.  It's been masticated, mate.  Have you been chewing this fish?

Terry

No. I...-!

Shopkeeper

I'm not making any judgements! It's becoming increasingly destigmatised, you know, ichthyerasty, or auto-erotic tail tonsil tickling.  “Fish chewing” if you have to be vulgar.

Terry

It was a cat!

Shopkeeper

A cat? 'Course it was, sir...  All right, mate. I'll sort you out. (BEAT) She's a little stunner, isn't she, the Neolamprologus brichardi...!

This with a slightly unsettling wink. He leaves the room and Terry glares at the dead fish balefully.  The shopkeeper returns with a fish in a plastic bag.

Shopkeeper

There you go, mate.  Enjoy her.

He grimaces lewdly.  Terry pays hurriedly. As goes, the shopkeeper calls after him.

Shopkeeper

Here!  Mate...

Terry turns, suspiciously. The shopkeeper hands him a card.

Shopkeeper

Give us a call. I can introduce you to some people. You're not alone...

He gives Terry a conspiratorial wink.  Terry takes the card weakly and exits, a little stunned.